Can you feel yourself slipping into a depression? How can you be so painfully aware of it and yet it still continues to happen? A question I am sure many people have dealt with long before me. I mean sure, experts are saying that right now, depression is not only anticipated, but expected. What else is going to happen when you’re locked up in your house all day?
But then you try to fight it off. You are an introvert, so going out has never been that important anyway. You have a video call here and there with friends and you call someone in the family every day. You read some light-hearted books and you think you’ve taken your mind off of things, but somewhere in the back of your mind you yearn even more for the light-heartedness exemplified in the book. You eat a salad, but fresh greens are not an everyday luxury anymore; not if you want to keep people safe. You go for a walk; when the weather permits it. You’re lucky enough to be able to work from home, and of course everything you are doing is not in your original job description. You have to be trained on completely new things, and you’re NOT a fast learner. You’re life is full of amplified stress and anxiety, and there’s nothing you can do about it, but just sit back and watch (maybe do a couple of breathing routines when you can remember). Sure, you try and keep up with some good news (😊), but it certainly doesn’t erase the reality around you.
I can only imagine, as I am feeling this way myself, that people are feeling more alone than ever. Its not fair for the people that are living alone. Its not fair for the people that are already struggling with depression. Its definitely not fair for those that are sick and suffering because of this thing!
Everyone keeps saying that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and although we can’t necessarily see it just yet, it’s there. We just have to hang on. But just because the tunnel will end, doesn’t mean many of us are going to be off this long road. The world is not going to go back to how it was before. I’m not just talking economically. The way we interact with each other is changed. Mental health is probably at an all time low. And to be perfectly honest, I never really liked shaking people’s hand before all this happened. I’m super awkward!
But the more and more I try to stop it, the more inevitable it becomes. I am slipping into a depression, and I DON’T WANT IT! But this is just even more scary because I can feel myself getting angry. I am MAD I couldn’t see my little nephew on his birthday today! I am frustrated that I haven’t been able to go out and do my real job in over a month! I am extremely irritated that my friend is moving nine hours away in a few weeks, and I won’t get to see her before she goes! And I realize that anger leads to rash behavior, and I’m scared because I wonder how much longer I can take of this. How much longer can everyone take of this? We all have to be strong and stick this out for the well-being over the entire planet. A momentous and very daunting task, but we somehow have to make it work.
Look, I don’t have the answers. I just have a lot of questions, and emotions, and time on my hands to WAY overthink all of this…
But all this to say that I am determined! I am determined not to get sick or to get other people sick. And I am determined to not get depressed. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll watch cute videos of babies and puppies if I have to!
All I really want to do is give my mom a hug.
…I’m going to go re-read Pride and Prejudice again.